Don’t get be wrong, the Puppy Bowl is pawesome. I mean, is there a better drinking game? Narp. But it’s high time we let those pooches get in on the real action. (Mama needs to make some side bets, too, nawmean?) And if anyone can appreciate the thrill of running, and tackling, and gyrating their groins in celebration, it’s a dog! So in anticipation of Superbowl 50 we came up with a puppy roster of sorts, filling each position with the breed best suited for the job.
QB (Quarterback): The Man, despite being neither the fastest nor strongest on the team. He is the brains of the operation, has great hair and cheekbones chiseled of marble. He was definitely Prom King, but still might be a virgin, and he calls his Mom more than he calls plays.
Our Pick: Golden Retriever.
RB (Running Back): These sneaky little dodgers get the football and run (and occasionally catch short passes.) In other words, they dominate the ground game. They’re fast and lean, and probably could have played 8 other professional sports. Oh, and they jump over cars.
Our Pick: Border Collie
FB (Fullback): Basically, this guy’s expected to run head first into the space behind the defensive line, but he really does it all: blocks linebackers, protects the quarterback, catches the short pass, and generally has a stick of dynamite up his butt. He’s large and explosive, like said butt.
Our Pick: Doodle
C (Center): The center is the guy who snaps the ball to the quarterback, and is very often selected as a team captain for a reason: he’s smart, he handles the ball on every play, and he’s responsible for identifying defenses. I.e. you would never want his job, unless you’re a go-getter, in which case, cool, bruh.
Our Pick: German Shepherd
Guards and Tackles (the Offensive Line): If I wasn’t generalizing, I’d say these guys are huge, stubborn, country bumpkins who eat turkey legs the old fashioned way—by the dozen. They’re responsible for keeping the QB’s pretty little face intact. And they’re surprisingly jolly, considering the fact that they’re basically human roadblocks, and get blamed for everything.
Our Pick: Newfoundland
TE (Tight End): This hybrid player serves as a receiver and a blocker, so he’s gotta be big and fast. Think Rob Gronkowski with a brain.
Our Pick: Great Dane. Great Danes are actually better suited to be Tight Ends than they are at being dogs.
WRs (Wide Receivers): The top playmakers on most offenses, these Freaks of Nature have .003% body fat, and can run the 40 faster than I can say “BUDWEISER CLYDESDALES!”. Their moms were cheetahs and their dads were giraffes, but somehow they’re still hot.
Our Pick: Vizsla
DT (Defensive Tackle): These guys are effing NUTS. They’re also bigger than most cars. The DT’s main job is to create a Meatjam of sorts in the middle of the field in order to stop the O-Line, which they can sometimes do with a big fart.
Our Pick: Rottweiler
DEs (Defensive Ends): Tall, aggressive specimens responsible for attacking the QB and containing the runner. They have to be big enough to bring dudes down, but also lean enough to like, run, which apparently they do by eating 9,000 calories a day. The same guy who eats that, a fellow by the name of JJ Watt, can also do this.Only a dog whose family has a history of pulling massive sleighs across one of the coldest territories in the world is crazy and strong enough for this job.
Our Pick: Alasakan Malamute.
LBs (Linebackers): These guys wore No Fear t-shirts every day in middle school and meant it. And Starter Jackets. I mean, they’re confident enough to blitz, for God’s sake. They’re the players who line up behind the defensive linemen and are usually considered the team’s best tacklers.
Our Pick: Bulldog
S (Safeties): Kind of like the QBs for the defense, safeties are the players who line up deepest in the secondary, the last line of defense, the athletic beast who dives over the pile to stop the runner on 4th and 1. Tough as nails, and loyal as doo-doo, he’s the one you want in your foxhole.
Our Pick: Pitbull
CBs (Cornerbacks): These guys are annoyingly quick. They somehow manage to anticipate the QB, track the receivers, intercept the ball, and floss all in the same play. And they don’t even humble brag. They just snap their fingers and disappear, or do that trick where they point at your chin then flick your nose when you look down. UGH.
Our Pick: Jack Russell
As for watching football…
Enjoy the big game!
