Last week, a Reddit user
from Colorado posted a photo series
educating us on why we shouldn't get a Husky, using his pup, Nikita, as an example:
"Every time I try to take a picture of the mountains, she gets in the way."
As I perused his photo series, I couldn’t help but but think of my fur-bucket, “best friend,” Gilda. Many of the articles I've written for BarkPost have centered on my 2 year old German Shepherd/Collie mix
. When my boyfriend and I plucked her from an LA animal rescue back in January, we were over the moon!
However, as we've gotten to know Gilly better, things have definitely
soured. My complaints are quickly multiplying; I add about half a dozen grievances to my "Ugh! Gilly is the WORST" list everyday. In fact, my hostility has festered to such an unsafe level that I think it's finally time for me to let you know the truth. Here are 12 Reasons My German Shepherd/Collie Mix isn't the best thing that's ever happened to me.
1. Her paws are so floppy.
[caption id="attachment_100928" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
What, Gilly? Do you think you're still a puppy and that you'll grow into those clodhoppers?!!? Not gonna happen![/caption]
2. Her teeth look like "tiny-size" chiclets. Everyone knows that chiclets are the most useless of chewing gums.
[caption id="attachment_100930" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
No one ACTUALLY likes Chiclets.[/caption]
3. When she's not smiling, she is doing her "super unoriginal" Gene Simmons impression. It's so bad. It's literally an embarrassment to all.
[caption id="attachment_100953" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
YOU CAN'T "ROCK & ROLL ALL NIGHT & PARTY EVERY DAY" BECAUSE YOU'RE A DOG. Now eat your kibble and shut your trap![/caption]
4. She thinks she better than me because of how effortlessly she pull off a cute handkerchief around her neck. She's completely ruined my favorite accessory.
[caption id="attachment_100952" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
Knock it off.[/caption]
5. She's the WORST guard dog. Look, this vicious little fluffer is hard core flirting with me and Gilly just lets it happen.
[caption id="attachment_100957" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
It's like she doesn't have a territorial bone in her perfect body.[/caption]
6. Plus, her partying is out of control. She's always drunk. She never knows when to stop.
[caption id="attachment_101000" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
Here she is at my birthday party. She got so sauced that she tipped over and could not get up.[/caption]
7. SERIOUSLY. She refuses to go out unless she knows there will be alcohol there.
[caption id="attachment_101002" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
GIRL, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM, OKAY?[/caption]
8. She's almost too nice. She probably the biggest push-over I've ever met in my life. She let's me dress her up however I darn well please and she doesn't even stand up for herself when I make her look like a dumb idiot.
[caption id="attachment_101016" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
GROW A SPINE![/caption]
9. My home decor is so one dimensional now. The walls are just covered in Gilda's likeness.
[caption id="attachment_101007" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
10. When we perform as our improv duo "Dingus," she totally unleashes her inner DIVA. She won’t let me get a word in edgewise before the audience is giggling and “d’awww-ing” over her. Her need for attention is so sad.
[caption id="attachment_101017" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
Ugh what an attention-seeking jerk! And that guy in the front row is playing right into her paw![/caption]
11. Her strict adherence to gender norms really gets me miffed. The bows she wore in her hair for St. Paddy's Day illustrate her blatant disregard toward the feminism movement and what women have spent years fighting to achieve. She CLEARLY hates women and wants them to suffer or something.
[caption id="attachment_101029" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
My dog's fashion choice is setting human women back decades.[/caption]
12. Lastly, she has zero boundaries.
[caption id="attachment_101036" align="aligncenter" width="640"]
I have failed to teach my daughter manners.[/caption]
In summation, adopting a dog was the worst decision I have ever made in my life. Seriously, if you're thinking about adopting a dog, don't do it. Take it from me: Not only do I not enjoy Gilda's companionship, she doesn't brighten my day in the least. Quite honestly, she isn't even cute to look at. Heed my advice. It's too late for me. I am stuck with this doofy witch.
LOLJK Gilly 4 lyfe All day, err' day!
H/t via Reddit