17 Rules Dogs Have For You Humans

Written by: Emily Wang

December 9, 2015

You know that your dog basically owns you, right?

Rule #1 Wake up in an orderly fashion every day to fill my empty bowl. I will serve as your alarm clock and reminder if you fail to do so.


Rule #2 Bathroom time is together time. 


Rule #3 You must give me a nibble of every piece of food you eat…unless it’s a vegetable. You can keep those.


Rule #4 Don’t come home smelling of other dogs. I will be checking your collar for slobber stains.



Rule #5 Let me inside or outside at my request, no matter how many times I’ve asked already. I would do the same for you if I had opposable thumbs and you didn’t, okay?


Rule #6 I can sleep anywhere I please, whether it be my bed, your bed, or in your clean basket of laundry.


Rule #7 Please appreciate when I alert you of noises I hear outside. I’ve saved your life hundreds of times already.


Rule #8 If it lands on the floor, it’s mine. No five-second rule. And to be honest, the five-second rule is kind of gross, don’t you think?


Rule #9 Take me on one visit per day to see the magical creature called Squirrel and his buddy, Raccoon.


Rule #10 Cuddle with me at least four times a day. While doing it you must tell me how cute and soft I am.


Rule #11 I get shotgun every time, regardless of whether I remember to call it or not.


Rule #12 Leave one pair of stinky shoes out per day for me to chew on. Stinky socks and underwear will do, too.


Rule #13 Do not dress me as you please. I prefer to be naked. Unlike you humans, I’m actually proud of my body.


Rule #14 Banish the ridiculous plastic headpiece that you sometimes make me wear.


Rule #15. And water torture is ILLEGAL. Is this not America??


Rule #16 I may use whatever furniture I please, even if you’re already sitting on it.


Rule #17 We shall never be apart, and I will always be by your side.


Featured image via @campandyc

Written by: Emily Wang

December 9, 2015