2. With unbridled enthusiam: "I'm happy. This is my happy face. Please don't project your insecurities about your relationship onto me. I'm sincerely happy for you."
3. With devotion that knows no limit: "You look amazing. Let me be straight with you here, though? Ok. I think Brad's a chowderhead, no denying. But I don't have to like Brad to love you. And anyway, it's better that I don't like Brad, because that'll make it easier to murder him if he ever hurts you. No fooling, I will straight up murder him. You'll come out of the bathroom, wiping the last mascara tear tracks off your face, and there'll just be blood everywhere, and you'll be like 'Aaaaaah' and I'll be like 'when the police ask, say it was a man in a mask' and he'll be like, dead. But really, you look incredible."
4. With a love of spontaneity: "WHAT?! Oh no, sorry, I'm just surprised is all. That's great, really. I just didn't expect, you know, it's all happened so fast, and... you said YES?! You've known him for, like, 4 months? Oh, ok, 4 and a half months. That's TOTALLY different, then. Will you be taking his last name, or will the forms take too long to fill out?"
5. With calming words: "Case of the cold feet, huh? It's your wedding; it'd be weird if you weren't nervous. Unless... is there something you think you should be nervous about? What? No, I'm not talking about his thing with feet! It's an idiom. Nevermind."
6. With a warning: "You may be able to control Rebecca, but you can't control me, Kevin. You're stuck with me for another 8 to 10 years, depending on nutrition, and I won't let you isolate her from her friends while I can still breathe. I am the wheezing in the dark of night, and I am ALWAYS watching. Always."
7. With no medals for second place: "Whoa, Chad, stay right there. Yeah, just keep clapping buddy. You're happy for her, look like you're happy for her. Don't you dare profess your love to her right now. I don't care if it's undying or whatever, this is her wedding, for christ's sake! Show some class. She chose Tom, not you, and like it or not we've all got to live with that now. So just keep clapping."
8. With your non-traditional wedding party: "Huh? Oh... yes, I thought the ceremony was wonderful. Just wonderful. I loved how, um... all of the cocktails were served in mason jars. The cutest! And the band was so... unique! I've never seen so many mandolins at once. I'm so happy for you two. I've been to a lot of weddings, let me tell you, and this is the first that's ever made me think, 'this married couple is different, maybe even better.' I can't wait to see the ugly sweaters you choose for your first Christmas card as husband and wife."
9. With volume in place of sincerity: "YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED! TO JOSH! OH MY GOD! I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING! I'M SO— what? No. Forget that. No, just forget it. I didn't mean what I said last week. When I said, 'He's a beady-eyed con with a heart of coal,' I meant that in a good way. People like coal. Anyway, have you decided on a date yet?! YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!"