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Hello there young pups,
It’s us. The greying fools who’ll give you a single woof at the dog park. The old dogs who watch you run around in circles, yappin’ at everything in sight, nibbling on our butts with your tiny little shark teeth ‘cause you haven’t even learned how to give a proper sniff.
We may be old but we’re like a fine cheese, better and stinkier with age.
We wish this could be a letter of encouragement, or aged wisdom, but the truth is y’all are nuts. Youth is wasted on puppies. So we’re gonna get some gripes off our chest, and hopefully you’ll learn a thing or two!
1. Why do you all have those crazy names like “Chives” or “Gnocchi”?
“What was wrong with “Spot” or “Rover?” When we hear your parents call at ya, we don’t know if they’re looking for their dogs or yelling out a recipe for a frittata.”
2. Can you lay off the Insta-what for a minute or two?
“How many pictures and poses does one puppy need? Just take one nice family photo and you’re all set. A dog only needs one tag, and it ain’t a hashtag.”
3. What’s with all your hootenanny fashions? Modeling sunglasses? Wearing crazy costumes??
“Give us a collar and a tag and we’re ready to go…. And ok, maybe a newboy cap and a bowtie. But that’s all!”
4. Who is Snapchat and what kind of dog is he?
“The next time some human points one of their shiny rectangle camera-computer-phone things at you, take it outta their hand and make ‘em fetch it from the bottom of the creek.”
5. Could you PLEASE stop calling each other “doge”?
“We are dogs; a noble clan. Not puppers, or floofs, or weenies, or big heckin’ wooferinos or whatever the heck you puppies are saying. All ya need are three letters and a pat on the dang head: D-O-G.”
6. Seriously… Baths?
“Y’all are into baths now? You’re really lettin’ your moms primp and pamper the stink right off of you? Now that’s just a shame.”
We understand you can’t all be as simple and classic as a tennis ball. But seriously puppies, you could learn a thing or two from us seniors. You’ll appreciate the tips when you’re long in the tooth!
Thank you and all the best,
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