A Cease And Desist Letter From Your Crotch To Your Dog

Written by: Katie Kirnan

April 13, 2016

Editor’s Note: At some point, a dog sniffs a crotch one too many times, and action must be taken. Below is the result:

dog sniffs crotch good 1


My Crotch
1 Crotch Court
Crotchville, USA

12 April 2016

RE: Cease and desist for the egregious sniffing of Complainant’s Crotch, issued against Perpetrator, Dog

Dear Dog:

This CEASE AND DESIST ORDER is to inform you that your PERSISTENT ACTIONS in regards to MY CROTCHAL REGION have become intolerable and untenable. Your consistent conduct vis-à-vis my crotch — showing uncontrollable interest in my crotch, smelling my crotch, and generally just really getting up in my crotch — is inappropriate and unbecoming of an otherwise pleasant and well-trained canine.

dog sniffs looks up use

Regardless of your intent, your actions in “my area” have significant consequences, of which I will now outline below:

I can only speak for my crotch, and so I will. When you sniff my crotch, several upsetting results occur: First, I feel very embarrassed. Secondly, everyone else in the room naturally ends up staring at me and my crotch. Third, and most important, everyone in the room is now thinking about my crotch.

While it’s true that we’ve all got crotches, I do not need you to single mine out, and certainly not in front of others. Because literally everyone is thinking about my crotch right now, including whoever else may or may not be reading this. (I swear, Dog, if you put this on the Internet… Just don’t. Do not do that. Do not! Bad dog!)

dog sniff 2
For reference, I submit to you last Friday, when I hosted a game night with some friends. There we were, trying to enjoy some drinks and play Settlers of Catan, but none of us could concentrate because 10 minutes into game night, you shoved your face into my crotch and we were all thinking about my crotch and honestly I’m pretty sure my friends now think I have a kind of smelly crotch. And that’s on you, Dog. You brought that gathering to a screeching, unpleasant halt.

Perhaps you think that sniffing my crotch will signal to potential mates that I have a unique crotch, one worthy of interest and a good, strong sniff. Perhaps you feel I should find your interest in my crotch flattering. Perhaps, even, you think I should be grateful to you.

And sure, maybe in some weird way, I am oddly flattered that you find my crotch so irresistible. But it’s also awkward AF. Because unlike you and your dog friends, humans do not consider a smelly crotch a good thing. As a result, your interest in my crotch suggests to other nearby humans that I have a strong-smelling crotch, or, smelly crotch, which is officially not good for my love life.

dog sniffs girl
In theory, your sustained interest in my crotch could cause significant damage to my reputation — defamation via crotch, if you will. Because of this, my peers may now believe that I do not wipe properly — or at all, for that matter. They may assume that I do not bathe regularly or practice advisable hygiene. They may even conclude (wrongly, but not without reason) that I am menstruating at all times. It is possible, therefore, that your obsession with my crotch has led, through no fault of my own, to innumerable romantic and friendship failures.

I have already experienced the weight of your actions. Recall two Sundays ago at the dog park. I finally got up the nerve to talk to Cute Mets Guy, that attractive human who owns the Beagle and always wears the Mets hat. You know, Cute Mets Guy. The conversation was going well, and you were busy playing with the Beagle. Sure enough, just as things were going somewhere interesting, you emerged out of nowhere and launched your face at my nether region, and I had to decide if I should acknowledge to a stranger that a dog’s face is buried in my crotch, or just keep talking about the salad bar at Whole Foods as if nothing weird is happening.

Well, guess what. Something weird was happening, and Cute Mets Guy left the dog park soon after, without my number. You hurt my crotch in more ways than one that day, Dog.

Also, sometimes you run full speed into my crotch, essentially smashing into it, and it hurts like a b-tch. As a female, I can only imagine how this must feel for males, although I assume it is akin to a vicious punch to the yabbos, except much worse.

dog sniffs man use
Now, I am aware, Dog, that you possess a heightened sense of smell, something that I can never understand. But I never pretended to understand it. While you may boast the ability to smell more groins than I could ever dream of, it is your responsibility to exercise such a power with caution and respect for others.

Further to this, it is not just my crotch that you have so consistently harassed. You have repeatedly, and without regard for others, sought out the crotchal areas of nearly everyone in my life: Complete Strangers. Friends. Family. And who could forget poor Grandma. That was one of the worst Christmases we’ve had. And that’s saying something, because we both know there have been some bad ones in this family.

In conclusion, this letter serves as your final warning to discontinue your crotch-sniffing conduct. You must stop this undesirable behavior, or at the very least, just sniff my crotch when no one else is around. In order to confirm your compliance, I ask you to sign this letter below my signature.

I will see you in a few minutes when it’s time for your dinner and walk.


My Crotch

P.S. Full disclosure: I wore a dress today and I recently went to the bathroom. Despite these two pieces of information, I truly hope you will behave in a considerate manner.

P.P.S. Also I overslept this morning and did not have time to shower. Please do not allow this to affect your ability to respect my boundaries.

Name of Dog



Featured image via DYKN
This has been another BarkPost Stink Piece, updated every week!

Written by: Katie Kirnan

April 13, 2016

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