15 Craigslist Ads A Crazy Dog Person Would Totally Write…Maybe

Written by: Katie Haller

January 26, 2016

Do you ever read something on the internet and just think to yourself, “This can’t be real; this has to be a bit.” Some comedic genius is playing a character and posting ridiculous requests for the lulz, right? But then you realize, maybe someone is just crazy enough to be looking for an experienced wizard to come to their dog’s birthday party because, you know, THIS IS AMERICA…and whatever. Hey, we’re not judging.

Anyway, here are some other requests you might find on Craigslist.

Seeking DJ for my dog’s graduation party


My dog kicked ass this semester and I really want to throw her a pawty she will remember for the rest of her life. Must have a repertoire of ’90s hip-hop & R&B (Biggie, Salt N’Pepa, and Run DMC are her favorites).

Seeking guitarist to serenade dog post-surgery


My dog is getting neutered on Tuesday and I know this is going to be a very traumatic time for him. I am looking for someone to serenade him while he is in recovery. MUST have an acoustic guitar and I guess a ukulele would work as well. MUST have a vast selection of James Taylor songs in your repertoire. NO SARAH MCLACHLAN. TOO SAD.

Seeking motivational dancers for my dog’s Bar Mitzvah


Looking for motivational dancers to really get the crowd going. MUST own black jazz shoes, a black sequented mock turtle neck, and black spandex. My dog loves the electric slide, conga lines, and the cupid shuffle. DO NOT start “The Percolator.” He is not very good at deciphering his right from his left and I don’t want him to feel confused on the day that he officially becomes a man. Owning a feathered boa or inflatable saxophones/electric guitars is a plus but not required.

Seeking tarot reader for my dog’s birthday party


We are planning a mystical themed birthday party and are looking for an experienced fortune teller to do one-on-one sessions with my dog’s guests. They are VERY smart dogs, so you must be LEGIT. Please send a full headshot and resume to [email protected]

Seeking dog masseuse with strong but gentle hands


My dog sleeps for about 16 hours a day and literally has zero responsibilities, yet still manages to develop severe trigger points in his neck and back. Looking for someone who can get rid of all the knots while still providing a soothing massage. When submitting, please include a picture of your hands as well as any credentials/certifications. Must have at least 3 references.

Seeking personal trainer for dog who hates moving


My dog and I are going to Cancun for Spring Break and I really really really don’t want him to have to wear a t-shirt on the beach again. I think he is getting tired of walks and just needs some structure and motivation. I’ve tried to get him to walk, but I think that’s just too much for him. So my question is how can you maximize his fitness while minimizing his physical activity?

Prom date needed for very nice but shy dog


My dog Dilbert is attending his prom and can’t muster up the courage to ask a date. He’s such a good boy, but is just a little lacking in the confidence department. He is actually a pretty good dancer once he gets comfortable and he definitely won’t try to creepily grind up on you like they do in those hip-hop videos. We have a limo reserved and have already purchased a corsage. We just need a paw to put it on. Send pics to [email protected]

Seeking seamstress to sew my dog a wardrobe for our trip to Paris


Mimi has gained over 50,000 followers on Instagram since our last trip, and it’s very important that we do not repeat this same shot. We are looking for someone who can sew something that NO ONE else has. It should be warm but not too heavy. Since we’ve already gone the stripes route, we’d like to see how she looks in polka dots. Please send samples along with application. Also we’re leaving in a week so send them in A.S.A.P

Need a mouth guard so my dog can carry an apple to me without drooling on it


I love a good fuji apple, but I love them even more when my dog can deliver it to me directly. I know this is a strange request, but I would appreciate SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY. We all have a thing. Oh yea mouth guard but not be used.

Seeking stylist to trim my dogs butt hair into a heart.


My Corgi Jack is KNOWN for his butt hair, so you CANNOT mess this up. You must have a National Certificate In Hairdressing and at least 10-15 years actual working experience. We would need you to be available for bi-weekly appointments as his hair grows very quickly and when it gets too long he gets some stage 5 dingleberries. Please include photos of your work/previous clients.

Seeking someone with nice feet for my dog to lick


My dog loves feet, but I am just too ticklish. I’ve tried and I really can’t do it. It’s why I can’t get pedicures lol. Anyway, my dog prefers size 6-10. No bunions or corns. Please e-mail close-ups of your feet to [email protected]

Seeking experienced barber for my dog’s beard


I have a brussels griffon named Ralph. His regular barber had the nerve to move to Dallas and only gave us a month’s notice to find and hire a replacement. My dog’s beard is his THING. And now that we live in Williamsburg, THE beard capital of the United States, it is extremely important that we find someone with a passion for dog beards. Please submit video explaining your love of beards and a list of your beard styling references and/or mentors.

Seeking social media assistant for my doodle’s birthday party


We want to experience this day with our dog and our closest friends and don’t want to be worried about constantly posting and monitoring his various social media accounts. Please apply with links to all of your accounts. Must have a minimum of 10K followers on Twitter & Instagram. No Androids.

Seeking gospel choir to re-enact my dog’s favorite scene from “Sister Act”


This is my dog’s favorite movie. Must have powerful, inspiring voices with or without piano accompaniment. Please send a video audition to [email protected]

Seeking fish tank for my dog to stare at while I am away this weekend


My dog is fascinated with fish, but I don’t want to take on the responsibility of keeping them alive. Was wondering if anyone could let me rent it while I am away on a business trip this weekend? I already have a dog walker booked. I think she would just have a lot less separation anxiety if she could focus on some fish for 48-72 hours. If you have a seahorse I will love you forever.

Written by: Katie Haller

January 26, 2016

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