Editor’s note: This post is an adapted version of the original story which was first seen in his New York Times Bestselling Book, Adventures Of The Weiner Dog Extraordinaire. Now available in BarkShop!
When you live a life chock-full of media and celebrity appearances, you need to make sure your sual presentation is top notch. Now, I’ve always invested heavily into cutting-edge physical training programs to refine my build, and have a wardrobe bigger than my Mum and Dad combined, but there’s one thing I’ve never really put too much consideration towards.
I’m talking about my hairdo.
Mainly because I’ve never had much hair to work with. But after learning about this new thing called “hair extensions”, I realized there was a whole world of possibilities sitting atop my cute little head.
So one day I had Mum drop me off at a high-fashion hair salon down the street called Capilia by Caralyn’s. Most dogs would just go to the local groomer, but I find they’re rather monotonous and typical compared to what I’m looking for in a new hair style…
“So what can we do for you today?” the hairstylist asked as I took a seat in the chair.
“Well”, I said. “I’m going for the sex-appeal of Bradley Cooper mixed with the laid back, laisser-faire style of that fellow Bernie Sanders and with the wavy locks of a Golden Retriever. Think you can do it?”
“I think we can try!” She replied with a slight smile. “First, let me see what we’re working with here…” And with that she began to comb my hair.
However, it seemed more like she was measuring my ears in comb-length units, so I felt the need to clarify:
“You do know that I said ‘Golden Retriever’, right? Not ‘Doberman’ – I don’t want my ears trimmed, pinned, curled or any of that stuff – just my hair.”
“Oh yes, of course! I’m just determining what length of hair extensions we should use to balance the length of your ears!” She replied.
That made perfect sense, and I don’t know how I doubted such a professional stylist as herself. “My apologies”, I offered. “It’s my first time at a real salon and before I left this morning Dad warned me that I better hold very, very still or I might get accidentally neutered… For a SECOND time!”
“No problem”, she said. “I think your Dad was just trying to scare you. Your our first dog here, too. I’m just going to take a little off the top now so please hold still…”
*Snip snip snip*
As she snipped, I was as still as a stone-cold rock and watched intently in the mirror to check that she stayed away from my ears… (And anywhere else).
“How’s that?” She asked.
“Great!” I exclaimed, although to be honest I didn’t notice any difference. Another thing Dad taught me is that you should never criticize someone who is either a) about to serve you food, or b) dangling sharp objects about your head.
However, it was a bit worrying that she kept laughing and smiling while going about her work.
A sinking feeling came over my that this whole thing might be an elaborate prank set up by some celebrity-dog-prank TV show and that she might actually be carving a big bald spot in the back of my head!
But my worries faded when she propped up one of those handheld mirrors behind me so I could see what she’d done.
“Okay”, she continued. “Now I’m going to apply the extensions and lather it with mousse prior to drying. This will help define and hold the curls better.”
Mmm…. mousse. I wondered if it was chocolate-flavored.
She didn’t let me taste it, but it looked to be vanilla-flavored.
And while I got lost in a quick day dream about delicious vanilla mousse, before I knew it she had applied the extensions and lathered my in warm sudsy mouse.
Then she wheeled me over and placed me under the dryer. As the mousse dried and the curls began to take shape, I couldn’t help but wonder what my new hairstyle would look like!
“How’s it looking? How’s it looking?” I asked impatiently.
“It’s almost done”, she answered. “Just a few more minutes”, and she handed me a celebrity magazine. “Here, just look through this for a couple minutes to pass the time.”
However, I wasn’t in that magazine, so I wasn’t very interested.
And by the time I finished asking some of the other salon staff if they might have a decent magazine that actually has my face in it, the dryer timer dinged, and I was ready to see my new hair style.
She wheeled me back over to the mirror and removed the curlers.
“WOW, what a hairdo!” It was just what I wanted, and I couldn’t wait to see what the chicks would think of me now. Sexiest Man Alive? President? Best in Show? Heck, a great head of hair is the key to opportunity.
Thanks to my friends at Capilia by Caralyn’s for the amazing work.
And over the next few days I tried experimenting with different ways of styling me new head of hair. I had a lot of fun playing with different options for a while…
That is, until Mum pointed out I was starting to look a little too much like Donald Trump! Oh no!
Unfortunately, I had no choice but to shave off the extensions.
So although a fake tupée, a messy scruff, or a mop of curly locks might work for some people, I think I’ll stick with my original smooth-dachshund look. After all, it’s what the ladies know and love.
All images via. Crusoe The Celebrity Dachshund