Dogs do a lot of strange, gross, silly things that we, as human beings, will most likely never fully grasp. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish my dog could speak English or better yet, that I could communicate with her in her mother tongue.
“Ay, you thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?”
It frustrates me to no end that I can’t get inside my pooch’s brain to figure out why she behaves like she does. Why does she hate baths, but not swimming pools? Why does she sniff butts? Why does she eat garbage? Why? WHY?!
It might be a while before scientists get to the bottom of the physics behind those mind reading colander hats, but I’ll just have to give it my best guess in the meantime.
1. Sniffing butts
It’s whack human logic to think that dogs sniff each other’s butts to gain info about diet, age, and emotional state. I would like to counter that a dog sniffing another dog’s patoot is a sign of acceptance. Think about it: sniffing someone’s smelliest orifice is a way to show them that you embrace all parts of them. If you marched up to a stranger on the street, stuck your nose in their armpit and took a long whiff, they’ll definitely know that you are comfy with them. #doglogic
2. Stealing your food
Your dog doesn’t steal off your plate because he lacks self-control and thinks he’s starving. He steals your food because he wants you to take pride in your culinary accomplishments! He is basically saying “You’re a success! That turkey on rye you made looks delicious!”
It’s like when you bring baked goods to work. Doesn’t it feel flipping magnificent when your coworkers fawn over your baking prowess? Don’t you want those sweet treats to be enjoyed until every last morsel has been snarfed up? Your dog understands this and wants to save you the bummer of having no one but yourself share in your succulent masterpiece. #doglogic
3. Drinking out of the toilet
Your dog adores you. He thinks of you as a superhero or celebrity.
Picture this: You are all alone in Beyoncé’s bathroom. You’re telling me you wouldn’t steal a swig from her porcelain throne if you could get away with it?? You’d get to brag about that for the rest of your life. #doglogic
4. Chasing cats/squirrels/birds/etc
This one is simple. Your pup chases smaller animals because they look flippin’ delicious. If I saw a burrito running down the street, I would make a mad dash, too. #doglogic
5. Rolling in stinky stuff
“WE’RE FULL OF ANGST!”
Dogs are known for being warm, social, and eager-to-please creatures. Sometimes, though, they get tired of being put in a box (both literally and metaphorically). When they feel the need to act out, they find the smelliest pile of poo-poo they can and roll for dear life. It’s their way of saying, “Look human! I can be edgy! Just look at how stinky and repulsive I am!” #doglogic
6. Humping inanimate objects
Dogs aren’t governed by the strict, suffocating morality of human kind. They spend their whole lives naked, free to hump one another pretty much wherever/whenever they like. Sometimes this freedom causes them to become desensitized to normal doggy whoopie. To pull themselves out of a carnal rut, #doglogic leads them to find the nearest inanimate object and to hump the living daylights out of it. #doglogic
7. Walking in a circle before lying down and/or peeing and/or pooping
Little known fact: dogs are extremely superstitious. You know how some people throw a pinch of salt over their shoulder when they spill it to avoid bad luck? Dogs spin in circles before settling in for a pee/poop/sleep in order to keep the Dog Catcher away. Sure, it doesn’t make sense… But neither does carrying around a dead rabbit’s appendage in your pocket. #doglogic
8. Barking at the vacuum cleaner
Dogs tend to only bark at the vacuum while it is in use. To them, it seems like you’ve sprouted an evil appendage that won’t stop screeching or sucking up all the good smells. Your pups are worried that you will continue to be overtaken by this vile protuberance if they don’t defend your honor. #doglogic
9. Dragging their butt on the ground
“Keep a straight face, Frank! Don’t let ’em know you’re in on the joke!”
Contrary to pup-ular opinion, dogs don’t do this to clean their tushies or to scratch an itch. The REAL and ONLY reason they scoot their bums on the ground like this is to tickle our funny bones. #doglogic
10. Scavenging in the garbage can
Dogs are packrats. Instead of throwing anything away, they bury their belongings in the yard or in the couch cushions. Dogs go through your garbage because they have a lot of guilt about wastefulness.
That crust from the pizza you ordered last week? Your pup sees it as perfectly good food. That kleenex you blew your nose into earlier today? It’s a treasure to be displayed next to his tennis balls. #doglogic
11. Loving to swim, but hating bath time
Think about it. Dogs like pools cuz people pee in them! Dogs hate bathtubs. They’re slippery and small and people don’t pee in them enough for their liking. #doglogic
We hope this cleared somethings up for you! Let us know if there are any other canine mysteries you need help debunking.
