As all dogs know, the ultimate goal of gardening is to destroy your human’s plants.
Unlike human gardening, the objective of dog gardening is to foster anxiety in your human, not relaxation. As such, the sacred vows of Dog Gardening are:
1) to cultivate and sustain an unwelcome environment for your human’s plants,
2) to promote the unsightly appearance of all flowers and foliage, and,
3) to create disorder, disarray, and general chaos.
Most dogs are fascinated by the world of horniculture. For those pups eager to exercise their green thumbs, below are helpful tips to make the most out of your gardening endeavors — and the least out of your human’s:
1. Select Flora and Fauna You’ll Love
In most households, a human will do the plant purchasing. While some humans can be trusted to do this alone, less competent ones will benefit from your sharp eye. If you find yourself surrounded by unsatisfying plant life at home, accompany your human on their shopping trips to ensure a quality gardening experience for you.
2. Maintain An Aesthetic Standard For Your Plants
The above is an example of a finely maintained house plant. This dog has taken all the necessary steps: he removed life-saving soil from the plant bed, spread its dirt around the home, and created an excellent mess that some human will have to clean up once they get home. Most importantly, the expression of sheer joy on this dog’s face embodies the true spirit of the art of dog gardening.
3. Water Plants — With Your Urine
Plants require sun and water to flourish. While dogs cannot yet control the amount and strength of sunlight that hits Earth (though dog scientists are working on this around the clock), you can and should exercise command over the water intake a plant receives. How, you ask? By not using water at all.
That’s right. You can easily decimate a plant’s livelihood and general appearance by urinating on it throughout the day. In fact, one of the most common causes of plant death is over-watering, so be sure to over-urinate. It is recommended that you pee on a given plant three to five times daily.
Note: It is important not to unload your entire bladder on the plants, lest your human grows suspicious of pee-free walks.
4. Dig Everything
Unlike humans, who require the use of crude tools like shovels and wheelbarrows, dogs are naturally equipped to do some serious digging damage. All you need is your paws and a can-do attitude, and you can really make quite a mess.
5. A Word About Flowers
At this point, you may be feeling (understandably) invincible. However, it is important to exercise caution when consuming your human’s flowers. Be sure to avoid tulips, azaleas, lilies, daffodils, and any of the flora and fauna listed here.
Cabbage is fine. In fact, it helps digestion, promotes clean skin, and causes gas. Now that’s good stuff!
6. Think Outside The (Flower) Box. Literally.
Your impact on an outdoor garden can extend well past the perimeters of the garden itself. Don’t allow yourself to be boxed in by the dimensions of a small space. You can drag dirt into any part of the house. Or yard.
You name it, you can sully it.
7. Think Inside The (Flower) Box, Too
Once you’ve cleared flower pots and boxes of their vegetation, feel free to get creative with them. A recent trend among Internet dogs is to fashion a bed from the remains of a plant home.
8. Assert Your Dominance Over Plants
You are the alpha. The plant is not. Ensure this hierarchy is clear by reminding the plant often of your superior size, strength and intelligence. You can demonstrate your dominance easily by standing over the plant, growling at the plant, and performing impressive tricks in front of it.
Don’t be afraid to check up on them either. Some plants will attempt to become overgrown and overstep their bounds. But they should never forget that you are the one in charge.
9. Stop And Smell The Roses, Then Pee On Them
It’s easy to get caught up in the fast-paced, high-stakes world of gardening. That’s why it’s crucial to stop every now and then and smell the roses.
And then pee on them.
10. Take Pride In Your Work
You’ve worked hard to build and then obliterate your garden. Don’t be afraid to show it off and take real pride in what you’ve created and subsequently destroyed.
You should never look like this — sad and shameful — after a good day of gardening:
You should always look like this — proud and poised:
But more than anything, you should get out there and have fun!
And just remember, when in doubt… POOP!