11 Things Dogs Won’t Do For Your Love Life

Written by: Wheaton Simis

July 29, 2015

It has been proven that having a dog can improve many aspects of your health, including your love life. But dog ownership is no guarantee that you will meet or keep the object of your affection. In fact, sometimes the cards are stacked against you. Here are 11 things dogs won’t do for your love life:

1. Make you more attractive.

This is a commonly misunderstood part of having a dog. Dogs may make you SEEM more attractive, but you, physically, will not change shape or dimension. Your underbite will not go away. You will still smell like onions. Your skin will remain the same green color. Oh wait, I’m describing an ogre. Well, you get the idea.

ugly man licks dog

2. Deepen the dating pool.

Having a dog essentially eliminates any potential mate who does not own/love dogs. About half the datable population is no longer accepting applications.


3. Create ambiance.

All romantic dinners will now become a lecture on food resource inequality.

dogs begging

You’ll try to ignore them and stay “in the mood” but then if you DON’T get up to give them a snack you’ll feel like dis:

let them eat cake

4. Make it easy to go out.

Gone are the days of jaunting down to your local pub to grab a drink with the cute wo/man you met online three seconds ago.

dog shame tear couch go on date

5. Make you a better conversationalist.

All stories now begin with “This one time my dog …” and end with pooping, eating, or snuggling.

this one time at band camp

6. Develop your taste in romantic partners.

Despite the prosocial effects of owning a dog, you will continue to exercise poor judgement about who to date and who to cut out of your life.


7. Remind you to use contraception.

Dogs are not the best resource for this. They’ll basically hump anything.

dog humping pillow

8. Cure your deep-seated insecurities.

Dog ownership is not a cure-all for your laundry list of emotional insecurities. In fact, you are now insecure about owning a dog and have been working hard to unpack this with your therapist.


9. Give you privacy.

You thought your roommates were bad! Anyone who has ever tried to lock their pup out of the bedroom knows what this is about.

dog tony scratches claws door

In fact, every twosome has become a threesome. (In the time it took you to read that sentence, “dog adoption = threesome?” has been googled 34 times.)

dog interrupts kiss


10. Improve your sense of humor.

Your jokes will still be unfunny and slightly offensive. You will still have one too many strawberry daiquiris and make a fool of yourself on the first date.

What do you call a pile of kittens?  A MEOWTON!!!
What do you call a pile of kittens? A MEOWTON!!!

11. Leave space to think about your partner.

Your dog basically consumes your thoughts 24/7. Your partner is a sometime guest in your mind.

Remind me your name again?
Remind me your name?

There you have it. Owning a dog definitely affects your love life. But if you had the chance to do it all over? I’d say:


Featured image via @hotdudeswithdogs

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Written by: Wheaton Simis

July 29, 2015

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