You love your pup, it’s true, no one doubts that. But there are those times when, well…you may inch away a bit and pretend the dog isn’t yours.
Why? Because dogs are masters at embarrassing their hoomans in public. It’s like they know about the dog-shaming meme and have collectively decided to get revenge.
We all have those shameful, shameful stories (that is, you’re ashamed–your dog clearly doesn’t give a pup).
Here are some hilarious, honest and no-holds barred pupfessions of when you just wish your dog…well. Was a cat.
1. “Benny peed on a first date’s bare foot and I thought it was really funny. So did Benny. The human male did not. There was no date #2.”
2. “Donut jumped on the actress who plays Crazy Eyes (actress Uzo Aduba) on Orange is the New Black and scared the crap out of her.”
3. “There was the time I was bent over trying to pick up Sawyer’s liquid poop (read: smearing it awkwardly in circles until people stopped looking and I could run away) while Sawyer was basically stuck in a squatting position, trying to rid himself of the runs, and a passing construction worker said, ‘I don’t think I should be turned on right now. But I am.'”
4. “Lily once dropped a deuce in the middle of a bodega. That was awkward.”
5. “Like the time Eugene drank pee from a pug like the dog was a DOGDAMNED fountain, while the owner and I were watching in HORROR?!
Or maybe the time Eugene chased a little league team and grabbed on to their cooler?
Or maybe the time Eugene grabbed a man’s grocery bag full of overpriced farmer’s market roughage and destroyed it?
Or the time Eugene grabbed a teenage boy’s shoe and it took two grown men to get it back?”
6. “There’s always that time where your Pit Bull decides playing tug with the leash on a walk is a super good idea. The more you try to get him to stop, the more he growls and sounds super vicious and you have to smile at people walking by and say ‘He’s just playing!'”
7. “When I came in for my interview for BarkPost, I brought my pup Audrey. She then immediately proceeded to poop then throw-up. #NailedIt”
8. “My mom had my Chihuahua Cricket in a bag and went to the ladies room and put the bag down in the stall. Cricket saunters out and pings through the stalls frightening one lady at time while my mom giggles.”
9. “My Rhodesian Ridgeback, Samba, was at our wedding. She sat down between me and Chris in the middle of the ceremony and started licking herself.”
10. “CC has a staring problem. She stares at people. I know what you’re thinking, ‘That doesn’t sound like a real problem…’
However, there are some instances where staring is just awkward, and confusing. For example, every morning I take CC for her morning walk, and every morning I try avoiding the nice doorman across the street. However. Every morning, I always end up in the same place. In front of the nice doorman. Why you might ask? I have to take CC to see the nice doorman across the street, because she refuses to do her business anywhere else.
So, every day, without fail, CC takes her morning Shih Tzu right in front of this poor old man, and stares at him the entire time. Why does she stare at him? I don’t know. Maybe she loves him so much she wants to give him a morning gift every day. Maybe she is sending another message. I do not know.”
11. “Ruby wiped a juicy butt on my bare leg, leaving quite the poop smear. She also leaves slobber on everyone she meets. A lot of it. And carries on like a crazy dog when forced to wait to cross the street. And, well, she has a gas pawblem as you may know….. Another BarkBoxer thought it was me the first time Ruby came in to the BarkBox office.”
12. “My dog was the ring bearer in my wedding, and he walked up the aisle and settled in next to the bridesmaids just fine. but when the Minister started talking, the pup started gagging, and then puked a real good amount all over the floor in front of the wedding party.”
13. “Andi, also know as the Kangarat, once took advantage of a staff meeting to surf the desks and eat someone’s lunch.”
VIDEO EVIDENCE OF ANDI’S SNEAK THIEVERY, her hooman is the author, part of the BarkPost team
Annnnd…a bonus story sent in from BarkBox Pupscriber Josh and his hooman
14. “My dog has a habit of attempting to walk into other people’s apartments in my complex. Once he escaped my parents’ place at Christmas and ran into the neighbor’s apartment via the cat door. He was sitting on the couch with the guy’s Lab like he lived there, and I got a confused phone call asking if I was missing a dog.”
Have an embarrassing pupfession like Josh and Keri? Dare to share the story with a picture of you and your pooch with the hashtags #barkbox and #hoomanshaming on Facebook or Instagram, and we may feature the tale of woe on BarkPost!