An Open Letter To The Right Leg I Humped At The Dog Park

Written by: Dr. Katy Nelson

May 10, 2016

To That Right Leg,

As I lie here, snoring and jerking my legs around mid-nap, I’m still dreaming of you. The moment I laid eyes on you, I had to drop the stick lolling from my mouth and come over to sniff you really, really thoroughly. A little bit of foot here, a little thigh there, oooh, and what’s that in between your legs?! I hate to admit it, but I got so excited I peed a little.


Mmm, you smell so fresh. What is that, bacon? Spilled coffee? I have to be honest, I’ve never really done this before. Well, that’s not true. I maaay have done this a couple of times before. For some reason, it never really ends well. This time will be different, though, because we met at the park, which, I must say, is one of my most beloved stomping grounds.

I mean, have you ever seen such beautiful grassy patches between the grainy rocky-sand that Mom always complains leaves a film of filth on my paws? And sometimes my friends leave behind their pee smells on the fence, and then I pee on it too and we all laugh about it later!  I don’t know how one place can be so magical. Disneyland’s got nothing on the park. But I digress…


I feel so lucky to have found you, and I know you told me many times you had to go and even nudged me a little, but I think that was just your way of telling me you felt the undeniable connection between us. Hey, by the way, I love that you’re all furry like me. It’s hard out there, finding butts to smell and food to steal, so meeting you has been everything to me.


I guess the cliche is true: You always find love when you’re least expecting it. If you’re into it, next time I’ll lick peanut butter off of you. I love peanut butter. I mean, I really love it. What could be better than combining the two things I love? I know people will talk about our relationship and even look down on it, saying it’s not right for a pup and a leg to get it on, but to them I say, woof off!


Perhaps I was a bit forward, what with my jumping and thrusting onto you. My mommy kept pulling me off and apologizing profusely, but I refuse to apologize for acting on what I see as true love. She was so embarrassed, but I was pretty proud of myself. Normally, I’m a total mama’s boy, but on this issue, I had to disagree. I’m a tough dog, and I will fight for what I want. And what I want comes down to a pretty short list of essentials: treats, peanut butter, a butt scratch, a long walk, and you. Imagine you’re me for a sec: a plain ole pup going to the same park every day to chase balls and socialize with friends, when along comes a leg so lovable, so humpable, how could you resist?!


Yes, I guess I could have been more of a gentlepup. Maybe I should have played some music or offered you a bouquet of Kongs to set the mood, but I couldn’t contain myself. Isn’t that kind of cute and flattering? I think you understand where I’m coming from – it’s one of the things I love most about you. If this wasn’t fate, then I don’t know what is.

I’ll be honest, I kind of wore myself out with you earlier, so I’ve been sleeping for a while now. Mommy says I have to stay inside because I was a “bad dog” at the park (whatever that means), but I think I just heard a squirrel outside, so she’ll understand that this is important.

Just know, wherever you go, I will follow. And hump.

Love always,
Promiscuous Dog

P.S. Say hi to left leg for me. We had a thing.

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Written by: Dr. Katy Nelson

May 10, 2016

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