“Pepper Reviews Things Pepper Ate,” by Pepper

Written by: Dr. Katy Nelson

July 10, 2017

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This post was originally written by Pepper.

Hi. My name’s Pepper. I may look like the most gorgeous, graceful dog that ever existed in the history of doggos but don’t be fooled by my looks, because my full time job is to be up to no good.

My Ma can shout PEP-PER! all she wants, but I’ve got no time for drama. I always say, be like a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and don’t listen to anyone who tells you to do anything, ever. Like, literally not even once.

There is *one* thing I take verrrry seriously, and that’s my appetite. I’m a big fan of delicacies you can’t get anywhere else, even if it means a trip to the vet or freaking Mama out. Here are some of my favorites from this week:

1. Remote(s)

Usually I’m not an adventurous eater but after trying my first remote a few weeks ago, this my new must-nosh. The chewiness is divine, and there’s just enough crunch. I especially enjoyed how the TV flickered and changed stations with every bite. I love an immersive dining experience. 7/5 stars

Oh, am I supposed to stop at 5 stars? No. I stop when I want to stop.

2. Toilet paper roll

I do enjoy a robust two-ply texture. Unfortunately the taste was a little dry, and really left a lot to the imagination. For what it’s worth, the water basin around the corner though was exquisite. 3/5 stars

3. A mighty fine stick

Stumbled across this little gem on a walk and got super excited because on my block you NEVER find ones this good. The flavor was rich and earthy, and I loved that it was long enough to trip over unsuspecting pedestrians or get tangled in my leash.

4/5 stars only cuz I wish I had time to really savor it (eating on the go is the worst.)

4. Roommate’s flip-flop

Less of a workout for my jaw than i thought it would be, which would normally be a plus, but since i was really craving a gnaw, i was disappointed. 2/5 stars

5. Zoe’s French onion soup

I ate the whole pot and would do it again in a heartbeat. Such salty goodness. And next time I’m definitely eating the pot itself, too. 5/5 stars

6. My harness

Was going ok until I hit my back tooth on the hard bit- ouch! I’ll probably try again since I know to look out for that now. 2/5 stars

Also I don’t have a harness in that pic cause I ate it. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

7. Leaves

WHAT a waste of time and taste buds. There was literally no flavor and the edges got all gooey before I could chew. Ew. 0/5 stars will never ever ever eat it again.

I mean, unless I just start randomly eating them again. I’m don’t like to make promises.
Rating: n/a

Ok, those are my reviews! Thanks so much for reading, you guys are literally my favorites. If you ever come to New York, your next remote is on me.

**Editor’s note: Despite her horrifying appetites, Pepper is healthy and well-cared for. Follow her bratty adventures at @TheRottenCoonhound.

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Written by: Dr. Katy Nelson

July 10, 2017