There’s been a lot of presidential talk recently. We’ve heard the same names over and over again. Hillary Clinton. Bernie Sanders. Silver fox Martin O’Malley. Exotic orangutan Donald Trump.
But there’s one name that’s been left out of the conversation. And it’s a damn shame. The candidate to whom I’m referring is, of course, The Dog.
You know The Dog. You’ve known him or her your whole life probably. The Dog is dependable, smart (sometimes), well-trained (sort of), and amazing (always). And The Dog is ready to take the reins of this country.
In its mouth, ever so gently.
For your consideration, we now present a deeper look at the prospective next
1. The Dog will work like a dog
Because, duh, he is literally a dog.
But also The Dog will work hard because dogs love to please. They want everyone to be happy and they’ll do everything in their (executive) power to do the most good for the most people.
2. The Dog knows what America needs
The Dog is in touch with the average American. Case in point: The Dog’s campaign slogan is “Eat. Poop. Sleep. Repeat.” It’s straight-forward, simple, and accessible. And it’s what all Americans want.
3. The Dog is loved by everyone
The appeal of a dog is universal. It transcends language, culture, and also time and space probably. Basically everything but glass doors.
Establishing allies and forging friendships are skills that come naturally to the much-loved Dog (provided other world leaders are not cat people or, God forbid, cats themselves).
4. The Dog employs expert diplomacy tactics
The Dog recently rolled out his foreign diplomacy plan and it blew us away. In order to negotiate with world leaders, The Dog will employ an innovative yet effective strategy: cuddling.
Ab-so-lute-ly brilliant. After all, a quick snuggle sesh puts even the biggest problems into perspective. And then they basically solve themselves.
Arguing over tariffs? Cuddle The Dog. Disagreement about a canal somewhere? Cuddle The Dog. Debating sending cats into space? Cuddle The Dog.
Cuddle The Dog is a powerful reminder of what we’re really fighting for: the good of our world. Anytime you see a suit on TV freaking out about something, you know what that person really needs? To cuddle a dog and just CHILL FOR A SECOND.
5. The Dog treats everyone equally
It doesn’t matter how important or powerful you are, how insignificant or unseen you may feel — The Dog does not discriminate. How do I know?
Because The Dog will consistently sniff any and all crotch and butt regions.
The Dog knows that all butts, like all people, are created equally. Can you say the same about those other human, crotch-fearing candidates? Do politicians ever get right up in a butt?
But The Dog sniffs ALL the butts, without any agenda. It’s purely for joy…and justice. Even though some butts smell/are better than others, The Dog knows they all deserve to be smelled/heard.
6. The Dog embraces bi-paw-tisanship
The Dog genuinely loves everyone. It refuses to allow political or personal differences to get in the way of getting sh-t done. It doesn’t matter if you’re Democrat or Republican, blue or red, black or white, dog or cat (kidding — it totally matters if you’re a cat). But other than felines, The Dog naturally gets along with just about everybody. The Dog is more than willing to extend a paw, or all four paws, across the aisle.
You might be wondering to yourself now, do any of the other candidates have four paws?
I checked. And the answer is…no. Not one paw.
As you can clearly see from my painstaking research, each of the other candidates have TWO hands and ZERO paws. What good is that when you could have FOUR paws reaching across the aisle?
The Dog might also pee in the aisle, but weirder things have happened on C-SPAN.
7. The Dog would assemble an excellent Cabinet
A Dog-led Cabinet would undoubtedly consist of amazing snacks.
Cabinet like a pantry cabinet. Obviously.
So when you enter the voting booth in November, think carefully about your decision. If I may, I’d like to leave you with this final thought. Who do you want running your country: the one who takes the poop, or the one who bends down and picks it up?
Thank you, and as always, Dog Bless America.