This Sunday, passionate fans across the country will tune into the year’s biggest event — an annual display of athleticism, agility, and effort so great that its participants might end up taking a poop on the field out of sheer exertion and/or excitement.
I’m talking, of course, about the Puppy Bowl. And this poop specifically.
If you’re reading this, you probably don’t need 10 reasons. You probably don’t need any reasons. But we’re gonna give you some anyway. In case you need to viciously defend your (correct) decision.
1. Better celebrations
NFL celebrations are often over-the-top and overdone. They don’t just get excited for big moments, like touchdowns. They celebrate every tackle, every half-tackle, and seemingly every time they put one foot in front of the other. This celebration, from NFL linebacker Stephen Culloch, resulted in an injury and general awkwardness.
So did this one, from Lamarr Houston.
Puppies don’t feel a need to acknowledge every little moment with inane song and dance. They already know they’re awesome. Besides, the entire Puppy Bowl is a celebration of all things Dog.
2. Better scuffles
Like their celebrations, NFL tiffs are often much ado about nothing.
Often it feels like these guys are just fighting themselves.
But Puppy Bowl wrassles? Best thing since the Puppy Bowl itself was invented.
Honestly, they’re so good that I couldn’t choose just one.
OK last one, I swear.
3. Better rolls
OK, I will admit that a lot of NFL players have some pretty good rolls. They look realllll squeezable.
But Puppy Bowl rolls are simply better, rollier, softer. How can you possibly compete with the rolls of a Bulldog pup?
Simple. You can’t.
4. More historic moments
When is the last time the Super Bowl, let alone any football game, boasted a double touchdown?
Never. It’s unprecedented.
5. Equally confusing rules
There are a lot of rules to football, and a lot of them are weird. You can run with the ball, but you can also kick it. You can throw it but only up to a certain line on the field, and that line changes almost every play. And there is a strange, universally agreed upon rule that the football: commercial ratio should be a solid 1:5 (as opposed to, say, a 2:1 so we could all retain some semblance of our Sunday).
Puppy Bowl also has equally confusing rules, in that there really aren’t any rules. Therefore the rules don’t matter, and you just play your puppy ass off. Much better.
6. More puns
Paws interference. Illegal fur-mation. Ah, the list goes on and on.
Do I think commentators Jim Nantz and Phil Simms will be unleashing their pun power at this year’s Super Bowl? No. Is it their job? That’s not the point. Deploying a pun takes balls. Weird, dog-loving, football-sized balls. The Puppy Bowl’s got the goods, and they have a lot of pun doing it.
7. You can actually go home with the players
That’s right. All of the Puppy Bowl participants are up for adoption.
You can’t say the same for their human counterparts in the Super Bowl, who already have forever homes.
Tom Brady’s teeny-tiny shack, which he shares with supermodel wife Gisele Bundchen. Poor guy.
8. Players losing their shit is completely understandable
When a Puppy Bowl participant loses their shit, it’s completely understandable. Just the excitement of being in such an electric atmosphere is enough to make anyone shit their pants. ( I usually strap on an adult diaper when I watch the Puppy Bowl, just to be safe.) Plus, they’re dogs, not highly paid adults, so if they lose their shit, it makes sense.
But this kind of “losing your shit” is best reserved for the aisles of Toys “R” Us.
Oh well. At least Rex Ryan’s brother is more well-behaved.
Dang. OK, never mind.
9. Everyone wins at the Puppy Bowl
It’s a fact that there are no losers at the Puppy Bowl. Just the losers who didn’t watch.
It’s OK. You’ll get over this one day.
10. Cuter butts
I saved the most important reason for last. Paws down, the Puppy Bowl boasts the cutest, furriests butts on TV.
Be sure to tune into Animal Planet’s Puppy Bowl XXII this Sunday, 2/7 at 3pm EST for all the pup action!
Or just change the channel at whatever Super Bowl party you’re at and see who your real friends are.