We love our dogs unconditionally. That goes without saying. But I sort of had to bring up the unconditional thing because of what I’m about to say: Just because we love them doesn’t mean they don’t have a few odd/weird/annoying habits that we wouldn’t mind changing.
The news about the forthcoming robot dog, Chip, got us thinking about our own pups, and which features we wouldn’t mind tinkering with, just a bit:
1. Mute the meaningless bark
Our dogs bark for a variety of reasons, many of which are valid — to invite play, to discipline their pups, to signal impending threats, or to scare off creepy intruders. But every now and then, our dogs bark for no effing reason at all. And for those instances, we’d like a “mute” button, please.
2. Poop ASAP when it’s frigid AF outside
I know just as well as anyone how important is is for a perfect poop to have perfect conditions — you need a good book within arm’s reach, some Poo Pourri handy, and a loud fan so you can convince yourself that everyone else at the party thinks you’re just taking a very long pee.
But why does it feel like dogs take EXTRA long to poop during these insanely cold winter months? Time passes differently when it’s below 35 degrees — in fact, according to actual science (or something), every minute on the sidewalk feels like an entire year on a horrible, frozen tundra. I look forward to picking up my dog’s poop (if it ever happens) because it means that for one brief moment my hands will feel the relief of something warm against them. Even if it is dog sh-t.
One of my hands is going to be so warm for like a second in a second.
With this in mind, we’d like a “poop” button for those especially cold moments when our dog’s indecisiveness fills our veins with icy cold madness. Then we can say “Good dog!” and mean it with every fiber of our not-yet-frozen being.
3. Poop Predictor
How many times have you taken two poop bags on a walk–you know, just in case– only to be thwarted ONCE AGAIN because your pup goes an unprecedented THREE times?!
We’d love to be able to do a quick scan of our dog pre-walk so we know exactly how many poops they’re planning to do. Then it’s up to us to do the math correctly so that we bring the same number of bags. If the scan results come back as four, then you better bring four bags for your poop-happy pup.
Will more poop come out of me later on this walk? Maybe. But that’s for me to know and you to find out.
4. Lick Settings
A lot of us looooove when our dogs lick us.
But sometimes, enough is enough. We’d love an “on/off” switch for this. Lick when we want, stop when we want. It’s simple.
5. Clean Up Toys
We treat our dogs as if they were our children, because they basically are. So maybe they could all learn some helpful household chores like this one smart pup did?
While we so appreciate when our dogs bring us a disgusting, drooled-upon toy…
…we’d also love it if they could fetch us that shirt we can’t find and those shoes we misplaced.
7. No More Stepping On Our Balls Or Lady Balls
Dogs seem to have an uncanny knack for crushing the life out of our nether regions whenever they want to cuddle, shift positions, or sit on our laps. I’m all for big lap dogs, but pleeeeease, can someone program our dogs to avoid the crotch area?
Most likely, our dogs will continue to bark for no reason, poop slowly and unexpectedly, and stomp directly on our balls. But there is one thing I don’t care if my dog ever learns, and that’s catching a treat in its mouth. Because this will always, always make me laugh.
Ha! Can they teach a robot to NOT catch a treat?
(Probably.)
