Joe Craig and his trusty pup, Harpo, had quite an eventful evening on Tuesday! The English writer thought he and his Chocolate Lab were being heroic when they happened upon a person trapped inside the trunk of a car, but… well… what started with a run-of-the-mill fox-watch—turned lion-hearted rescue mission—ended up being something a lot more… (ahem) consensual.
The story continues, of course, but he tells the story a lot better than I do, and all in just under 30 tweets…
A thing happened to me last night & I think you'll enjoy it, but I'll tell you later. Not suitable for lunch time, but remind me later.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 27, 2016
I was walking my dog round East Finchley, late, two nights ago. Chasing foxes, that kind of thing. And I heard a noise.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I heard muffled screaming & saw the boot of a car rattling. Oh no, I thought – someone's trapped in the boot!
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
It was a small hatchback. A renault clio, I think. But still big enough that someone could conceivably be trapped in the boot.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
(The boot of the car is the trunk, for my American compadres.)
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Couldn't see inside the car cos it was dark but as I got closer I was sure that there were screams coming from the boot. Urgent screams.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
My rushed up to the car, pulling my dog with me. The whole car was rattling. "I have to set this person free!" I thought. BUT…
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I have to do it quickly in case the person who's trapped them comes back. This is DANGEROUS but I am A HERO. My dog is too. Both heroes.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
In a swift, dynamic movement I flung open the boot of the car. The boot light came on. I was staring into the face of a woman!
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
The woman was naked.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
On top of the woman was a man. Also naked.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
They'd put the back seats down & were lying the full length of the car, heads in the boot.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
The woman was clinging on to the boot, rattling it while she screamed. For very different reasons than the ones I had assumed from outside.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Except now she was no longer screaming, because she was looking up at me, horrified. As was the man. I was holding the boot open.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
What does one say in that situation?
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I'll tell you what I said. I said: "Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I thought you were trapped. Like a hostage. Because of the screaming and…
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
…the rattling. But I see now you don't need my help. Either of you. And that this is the good kind of screaming. Sorry. Do carry on."
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
It was words to that effect, anyway. I admit I babbled a bit. I didn't want them to think I was just a weirdo pervert bursting in on them.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I also wanted to offer a little encouragement.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Then I started to close the boot – carefully. I didn't want to trap anything. Unfortunately, my dog is very well trained…
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
And my dog loves car journeys.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
So before I could close the boot, Harpo (my dog) did what he's been trained to do when someone opens the boot of a hatchback.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
My dog jumped into the boot. Sort of next-to (but mainly on-top-of) the faces of the two copulating strangers.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Now it was too late to close the boot. There was more screaming – but not the good kind.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Obviously I can't undo Harpo's training, so I said, "Good boy."
Which I think gave the wrong impression.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
After that I made a swift exit. I remembered to take the dog with me. I didn't wait around to hear more screaming & rattling.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
And THAT is the funny thing that happened to me the other night, with my dog, in East Finchley.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I would be remiss to not include a few notable, post-story tweets:
What if I witnessed someone's conception?
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Or… interrupted the conception of someone who will now never be…?
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
I should probably have mentioned he's a very large dog.
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
Oh, the things this poor boy has seen/done/sat on/tasted. #harpo pic.twitter.com/NOE4MFy5bp
— Joe Craig (@joecraiguk) January 28, 2016
You know what they say, dont’t come a-knockin’ if the hatchback is a-rockin’. Also, if you see something tweet something.
We hope you enjoyed tonight’s edition of Bark After Dark, the one-stop-shop for all your insane-in-the-canine, cuckoo-for-cocoa-ruffs, barking mad needs!
Featured image via @joecraiguk/Twitter
