It’s a necessary evil, I’m afraid, to neuter your dog and rid him of his ability to reproduce. We promise, it’s for the greater good. And don’t worry, we know you’re manly. You can still protect the home front by chasing away the squirrels and warning us that the mailman has arrived. We know we’d all be in serious danger without you. Nevertheless, here are a few things to make you feel a little better about your loss.
Note: We understand that this list employs masculine tropes. If your doge is not into gender norms, and he’s all up in the tutus, more power to him! Let him be himself! You go, open-minded pet parent!
1. Barkkar All-Natural Doggie Cologne ($7.50, Etsy)
He smells like a man, and he doesn’t smell like his own excrement! A win-win if there ever was one.
2. Wagberry Dog and Crossbones Collar and Leash ($16, Gilt)
Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?
3. Elk Antler Chews ($24 for medium, Orvis)
You can give your dog a bone, or you can give him an elk antler. This goes in the badass category, no?
4. Found Canvas Water Bowl ($32, Olive)
Ok, so it’s not exactly manly, but it’s dark green canvas, certainly better than a pink plastic Tupperware container. Plus, you can clip it to a leash and it collapses when you’re done.
5. Classic Dog Tuxedo ($40, BaxterBoo)
What’s so manly about a tuxedo, you ask? I answer with three words, and three words only: Bond. James Bond.
6. American Apparel Dog Raglan Tee ($12, American Apparel)
No, he won’t be able to father puppies, but at least he can look like I imagine Derek Jeter does during his leisure time. Mmm. Derek Jeter. I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
7. Planet Dog Orbee Tuff Football ($14, Amazon)
GRRRR!!! Dogs! Men! Sports! Masculine.
8. Bowser Beer, Cock-A-Doodle Brew ($18.30 for a 6-pack, Amazon)
What’s more man-like than a 6-pack of beer? (More teenage boy-like, but that’s even more apropos.) If your pup is into the Brooklyn microbrewery scene, get him Bowser Beer, which is non-alcoholic (duh) beer for dawgs. Then watch Monday Night Football and pick your teeth. Like men.
9. Orvis Tempur-Pedic Dog Bed ($325 for the medium size, Orvis)
If you REALLY want to treat your pup, you can get him a monogrammed dog bed that looks (and probably is) more comfortable than your mattress. And look at the pup in the picture. He’s big, and his name is Bear. That’s a motherpupping manly dog.
10. Grizzly Salmon Fillet Treats ($11.99, Olive)
How do you treat your dog like a dude again? Treat him like a bear. This jerky is dehydrated Wild Salmon, and it will make your dog believe he caught them himself with his bare paws. Our dogs couldn’t survive in the wild for five minutes, but they don’t need to know that.
11. Kong Extreme Ball ($8.99, Amazon)
What do you do when you take your dog’s balls? You get them more balls. And it’s black, which is tough. And it’s EXTREME. It’s symBALLic, okay?
P.S. You can always get him a lifetime of BarkBox to make him feel like a king!