"Hey, man. Yeah. Wild night. Great concert, I know. Listen, about that. Did you see who I came back with? Because last thing I remember, I'm shouting 'Why don't we get drunk...' and then I blacked out. Yeah, didn't even get her number."
"So I've been thinking: what if I just stay here? I know, it's an amazing idea. I mean, I could go back to Ohio, but, like, why? So I can see Barb in the next cubicle over? Yeah, sure, I really need to see the next page in her 'Cat of the Month' calendar. This is WAY better. And my credit cards aren't even a little maxed out yet."
"So... can we agree now that this ordeal counts as a Jamaica Mistaica?" "Count?" "Like, with numbers?" "I don't even know anymore. And I miss Bono." "If you get to be a count, I want to be a duke. I call duke."
"I think... I think I might be dead. Like, dead dead. 'Take A Shot Every Time Jimmy Buffett Sings About Escaping A Terrible Job You Hate' is suicidal. Your drinking games are the worst."
"Server, I need two more boat drinks. When my drinks are ready, I'll be over by the window, where it's warm."
He started sniffin' around my body tryin' to smell fear But he ain't gonna smell no fear 'cause I'm God's own drunk and a fearless hound It hung him up He looked right in my eyes, and my eyes Was a lot redder than his was It hung him up
"Shhhhhhh. Shh. Shhhh. I'm livin' it up. No, I know what it looks like. But trust me, I'm living it up. Now do me a favor and turn off the sun. My eyes hurt. No! They hurt because I'm having such a good time!"
"Garcon? Yes, garcon, I would like another drink, please. What would I like? Just make it a Hurricane before I go insane! Look, I don't care what time it is. It's 5 o'clock somewhere. Also, where am I?"
"Swim. Just swim. You'll be fine, you'll be— OH GOD, FINS!"