It’s summertime, and that can only mean one thing: Jimmy Buffett is touring again! With his gulf & western escapism (and chain of delightful theme restaurants), Buffett has made enough money to buy Miami. Below, meet the dogs who didn’t let anatomy keep them from being Parrotheads. May the consequences of their enthusiasm serve as a cautionary tale.
don’t think about work, don’t think about work
SEARCHING FOR MY LOST SHAKER OF SALT
Kevin’s not here. He has no power here.
SOME PEOPLE CLAIM THAT THERE’S A WOMAN TO BLAME
This is a vacation. You’re relaxing. Relax. Relax!
BUT I KNOW IT ALL FREAKIN’ KEVIN IN ACCOUNTING’S FAULT!
WASTING AWAY AGAIN IN MARGARITAVILLE!”
“Hey, man. Yeah. Wild night. Great concert, I know. Listen, about that. Did you see who I came back with? Because last thing I remember, I’m shouting ‘Why don’t we get drunk…’ and then I blacked out. Yeah, didn’t even get her number.”
“So I’ve been thinking: what if I just stay here? I know, it’s an amazing idea. I mean, I could go back to Ohio, but, like, why? So I can see Barb in the next cubicle over? Yeah, sure, I really need to see the next page in her ‘Cat of the Month’ calendar.
This is WAY better. And my credit cards aren’t even a little maxed out yet.”
“So… can we agree now that this ordeal counts as a Jamaica Mistaica?”
“Like, with numbers?”
“I don’t even know anymore. And I miss Bono.”
“If you get to be a count, I want to be a duke. I call duke.”
“I think… I think I might be dead. Like, dead dead. ‘Take A Shot Every Time Jimmy Buffett Sings About Escaping A Terrible Job You Hate’ is suicidal. Your drinking games are the worst.”
“Server, I need two more boat drinks.
When my drinks are ready, I’ll be over by the window, where it’s warm.”
He started sniffin’ around my body tryin’ to smell fear
But he ain’t gonna smell no fear ’cause
I’m God’s own drunk and a fearless hound
It hung him up
He looked right in my eyes, and my eyes
Was a lot redder than his was
It hung him up
“Shhhhhhh. Shh. Shhhh. I’m livin’ it up. No, I know what it looks like. But trust me, I’m living it up. Now do me a favor and turn off the sun. My eyes hurt. No! They hurt because I’m having such a good time!”
“Garcon? Yes, garcon, I would like another drink, please. What would I like? Just make it a Hurricane before I go insane! Look, I don’t care what time it is. It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.
Also, where am I?”
“Swim. Just swim. You’ll be fine, you’ll be— OH GOD, FINS!”