January 21st marks the annual
BARK hacking by squirrels National Squirrel Appreciation Day. Why do we appreciate them? We don’t, they’re arsonists who set our houses on fire. Why do dogs appreciate them? Undetermined, the bushy-tailed devils run from every attempt at friendship.
For the past three years, hordes of the world’s squirrels have banded together to master the delicate art of password-cracking, gaining access to our social accounts, holding employees hostage for nut ransoms, and preaching the downfall of all dogs.
The verdict is out on whether our wet-nosed hooligans seek camaraderie or rodent destruction, likely owing to the confusion. Perhaps, though, we have finally found an answer.
The dogs have formed a new organization known locally as the Anti Squirrel Squirrel Club, or A.S.S. Club. Members can be identified by the trademark fur-covered sweatshirt, and rumor has it not a single penny of proceeds goes to squirrel charities—a sure sign of impending war.
Get your A.S.S. Club sweatshirt here to join the cause. It’s us against them. Already a pack member? Check your add-ons in your BarkBox or Super Chewer account dashboard!
Victory on the side of the dogs has been achieved in years past due only to massive public aid. Hundreds, nay—thousands of folks across social media platforms witnessed the digital carnage in real time, and donated the only resource they could, they only thing the squirrels demanded: nuts.
Peanuts, hazelnuts, acorns, whatever could be found in the emoji library and thus delivered to the hackers.
The nut-o-meter full to bursting, we met their demands and earned back our control. But now… now they’re angrier, twitchier. The A.S.S. Club disrespects the squirrels’ very existence. They are incapable of remorse, highly adaptable, and have historically stopped at nothing to wreak tiny-fingered havoc, including previously undetected tax fraud and war crimes.
We fear we will never establish peace between the dogs and squirrels, what with the chasing and the barking, but we must show them who reigns supreme. The dogs are off-leash now.
Please, join the club and show your A.S.S (anti-squirrel support). The 21st cometh.