Everyone talks to their dogs — especially dog moms. In fact, us dog moms can talk to our pups about anything. For better or worse. Usually for worse.
1. Greetings
Dog: Hi!
Dog Mom: Hi!
Dog: Hi!
Dog Mom: Hi.
Dog: Hi!
Dog Mom: Yes, hi.
Dog: Hi!
Dog Mom: How much longer we gonna do this?
Dog: Hi!
Dog Mom: (sigh) Hi.
2. Photography
Dog Mom: Selfie time! C’mere! *grabs dog*
DOG: OH GOD.
Dog Mom: Ugh, sit still.
DOG: WHAT IS HAPPENING? WHAT IS THIS FLASH OF LIGHT?
Dog Mom: Chill out for a second! I just want a cute pic.
DOG: I SAID NO, LADY!
3. Health
Dog: Gimme burger.
Dog Mom: I can’t. It’s not good for you.
Dog: Right. Hey, totally unrelated — how’s your diet going?
Dog Mom: …..
Dog: Gimme burger.
4. Honesty
Dog: Where are they?
Dog Mom: Where are what?
Dog: My balls.
Dog Mom: Oh boy.
Dog: I know you know.
Dog Mom: It’s… complicated.
Dog: I want them back.
Dog Mom: I know.
Dog: I’m gonna get ‘em back. Mark my words.
Dog Mom: OK.
5. Departures
Dog Mom: C’mon, buddy. I gotta leave.
Dog: So leave.
Dog Mom: I can’t. You’re literally sitting in my shoes.
Dog: Well, I guess you have some decisions to make, don’t you?
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6. Etiquette
Dog Mom: How many times do I have to ask you to put that thing away?
Dog: IT’S MY LIFE I’LL DO WHAT I WANT.
Dog Mom: Well. It’s not very lady-like.
Dog: IT’S MY MOST LADY-LIKE FEATURE.
7. Fashion
Dog Mom: Have you seen my pink bra?
Dog: I don’t see color the way you do, so I wouldn’t know anything about a pink bra.
Dog Mom: What’s that in your mouth?
Dog: A delicious bra. Color unknown.
8. Friends
Dog Mom: Hey, so I have a… friend stopping by tonight. He’s very nice. And he may end up sleeping over. Just wanted to give you a heads up that my… friend will be here.
Dog: A “friend,” huh?
Dog Mom: Yes, a friend.
Dog: ….
Dog Mom: What?
Dog: ….
Dog Mom: Stop looking at me like that!
9. Art
Dog: Hey, Mom, do you like my art?
Dog Mom: No. And this isn’t art.
Dog: Yes it is. It’s about us. I call it Love: A Deconstruction.
Dog Mom: I hate it.
Dog: I’m glad you have a strong reaction to it. I’ll be doing a new piece every day for a year as a part of my residency.
10. Expenses
Dog: Call in sick. Do it.
Dog Mom: I can’t. I want to, but I can’t.
Dog: Why not?
Dog Mom: Because I have to make money to buy you things.
Dog: OK, fine.
11. Exercise
Dog: Yoga at home is so relaxi — WHOA, MOM, LOOK!! THE NEW DOG IS OUT FOR A WALK!!
Dog Mom: I gotta start going to the gym.
12. Sex
Dog Mom: Is this mine or yours?
Dog: Are you serious?!
Dog Mom: What?
Dog: Obviously it’s yours.
