Online dating can be awesome or awful (or both), but writing your profile is always a pain in the pooper. Describing yourself feels weird, you never know how honest you should be, and then there’s the never-ending conversation about what photo to use. It can sometimes feel like a full-time job. And not necessarily a fun one.
But then we here at BarkPost realized something. Why should we waste time agonizing over our dating profile when our dogs can write them for us? After all, our dogs know us better than anyone, and for better or worse, they still love us.
A few singletons in our office offered to have their dating profiles written by their dogs, and we have the results below. We’re really excited about this. What could possibly go wrong?
1. Zoe, Female, 29 @zoyzalsa
Profile written by: Ziggy
About Zoe: There’s a lot more to Zoe than she lets on. For example, she always tells people she’s only a beer and wine drinker. But when it’s just us in the apartment, she drinks beer, wine, vodka, tequila, and a bunch of other stuff, too! Then she sings to me and squishes my face and tells me I’m a good boy. If you date her, maybe you guys can do this, too. It’s really fun!
Me and Zoe during our most recent night in. I have no idea who that dog on the left is or how it got there.
–Zoe doesn’t like dry-humping. Anytime I start humping a dog or human, she makes me stop. So if you’re really into dry-humping, I don’t know if this relationship would work.
–At some point, I had balls. Or at least, I remember having something like them attached to my body. But then one day I woke up and they were gone. I think Zoe had something to do with it. (I still love her, of course, but I just think this is something you should mention on a dating profile. Especially before you fall in love with Zoe, because trust me, you will.)
The first thing people usually notice about Zoe:
–Her butt. She usually keeps dog treats in her back pocket.
–Her hips. If dog treats aren’t in her butt, they’re usually in one of her side pockets.
–Her yabbos. Obviously.
And, yeah, they’re real.
2. Jonathan, Male, 25 @jongraz
Profile written by: Noodle
Jonathan’s pre-date ritual: First of all, if you’re going on a date with Jonathan, you should consider yourself a lucky man. So if you find yourself in that envious position, here’s a little glimpse of what he was up to before you guys met:
–If you’re fortunate enough to see his underwear, just know that it went through a thorough screening process. You’re seeing the best of the best. Jonathan tries on at least three different pairs of underwear before deciding on “the one.”
–Once the underwear and outfit have been determined, Jonathan stands in front of his mirror for several minutes, and whispers to his reflection, “You are good enough, you are good enough, you are good enough.”
–I get really excited when he does this so that’s usually when I poop right on the floor of his bedroom.
–Jonathan has to clean up my poop then, so he’s usually about 10 minutes late for any date. Trust me — he’s not late because he’s not excited! It’s just because he’s cleaning up my poop.
What Jonathan looks for in a partner:
–The first thing Jonathan looks for in a partner is their dog. Like, do you have one? Is it in your profile pic? If you said yes to both these things, great! He’s already swiped right on your profile and is looking forward to meeting your dog.
–The next thing Jonathan looks for in a partner is if their dog is compatible with me? I’m Noodle, a beautiful, thick, delicious, creamy meatball of a Pug. If it seems like I’d get along with your dog, and that we’d photograph well together, then your odds of getting a date with Jonathan just went way up.
–It is only after all of this that Jonathan will take into consideration your face, hobbies, and other less important factors.
–Jonathan likes a long tongue.
–One time, Jonathan went on a date with a guy who “didn’t like dogs” and “didn’t know what ‘The Color Purple’ on Broadway was.” Jonathan did not like this. In fact he walked right out and came home to me where we cuddled and cried together.
–Pooping in bedrooms. If you like to poop in bedrooms, this relationship probably won’t work. I really can’t stress this enough.
3. Katie, Female, 27 @halleratyou
Profile written by: Nellie
–Katie loves to wear her Disney Snuggie while live-tweeting TV shows. You might be thinking, “Wow, she’s 27 and still wears a Disney Snuggie?” But keep in mind, in dog years that’s not even 4 years old. She’s still a baby.
–Katie likes to eat popcorn with a spoon like it’s cereal. It’s more practical and less messy, she says. That’s one smart 3-year-old, am I right?
Katie’s best qualities:
–Resourceful. One time, a piece of popcorn dropped from Katie’s spoon into her bra. She said, “Lucky popcorn,” fished it out of her bra, and laughed to herself for several minutes. Then the room went silent and she ate it. So yeah, I’d say she’s ready to get back out into the dating world.
–Katie likes being humped. At least, I think she does. Anytime I’ve ever wanted to hump her, she lets me. It usually makes her laugh, so I think she enjoys it? I don’t know. This one time she had a friend over, and I started humping Katie, and Katie’s friend was like, “Wait, what? You let your dog do that?” and then Katie tried to change the subject.
–Generous. If Katie is eating and you stare into her eyes and don’t blink for ten seconds, she will always give you some of her food.
You really gotta stare. Like this.
–Katie farts. Not an abnormal amount, but she does fart. And even though Katie is my best friend, she has blamed farts on me in the past. So she may do the same to you.
–Katie has a cow stuffed animal named Raffy. She bought four onesies specifically for him. Honestly I think it’s all a little weird, but maybe I’m just jealous? I won’t lie — I’ve thought about killing Raffy. I’m probably a little biased. But I hate that guy.
4. Wheaton, Male, 29 @wheatonsim
Profile written by: Tuna
About Wheaton: I do not know this man. I am not his dog. He is using me in his photo because he believes that having a dog in his picture will increase interest and lessen the fear that he is a serial killer.
Fun fact about Wheaton: He is probably not a serial killer?
Other stuff to know about Wheaton: I’m a dog. I’m someone else’s dog. Please return me to my owner.
Hey! These are REAL singletons. You like what you see? You like all this weird stuff you just read? Message these amazing bachelors and bachelorettes. They’re all dog lovers, so you know they’re good.